# Jenkins, ‘How a Hackneyed Romantic Ideal is Used to Stigmatise Polyamory’, 2017 > [!cite] > Jenkins, Carrie. ‘How a Hackneyed Romantic Ideal is Used to Stigmatise Polyamory’. *Aeon.* 3 February 2017, https://aeon.co/ideas/how-a-hackneyed-romantic-ideal-is-used-to-stigmatise-polyamory. --- ‘Romantic love is widely considered to be the best thing life has to offer: ‘failing’ at romance is often construed as failing at life. *Amatonormativity* is a name for the attitude that privileges lives based around a focal monogamous romantic relationship. What gets called ‘romantic’ isn’t just about classification; it’s about marking out those relationships and lives we value *most*.’ [[Jenkins, ‘How a Hackneyed Romantic Ideal is Used to Stigmatise Polyamory’, 2017|(Jenkins 2017)]] ^0f09ec ‘Freedom to love – the right to choose one’s own relationships without fear, shame or secrecy – is critical, not just for individuals but for us all collectively.’ [[Jenkins, ‘How a Hackneyed Romantic Ideal is Used to Stigmatise Polyamory’, 2017|(Jenkins 2017)]] ^ee0535 ‘Our ideals of “romantic” love regulate not just our expectations about sex but also our conceptions of *family* and the nature of *parenthood*.’ [[Jenkins, ‘How a Hackneyed Romantic Ideal is Used to Stigmatise Polyamory’, 2017|(Jenkins 2017)]] ^d5981c ‘Indeed, romantic love is sometimes referred to as ‘erotic love’ or ‘sexual love’, and the expectation that marriages will involve a sexual element is still written into marriage law.’ [[Jenkins, ‘How a Hackneyed Romantic Ideal is Used to Stigmatise Polyamory’, 2017|(Jenkins 2017)]] ^5538ae ‘In the UK, a marriage is considered “voidable”, and can be annulled if it was not consummated.’ [[Jenkins, ‘How a Hackneyed Romantic Ideal is Used to Stigmatise Polyamory’, 2017|(Jenkins 2017)]] ^006771 ‘Stigma against non-monogamy is beyond a joke: researchers have uncovered assumptions that the non-monogamous are just bad people: less likely to *walk their dogs*, or *floss their teeth*.’ [[Jenkins, ‘How a Hackneyed Romantic Ideal is Used to Stigmatise Polyamory’, 2017|(Jenkins 2017)]] ^285260 ‘Even in situations where *marrying* more than one woman has been illegal, it has often been normal for men to have mistresses, but different rules have applied to women. This is unsurprising: in a patriarchal society with property inheritance passing along the male line, paternity is key, and enforced female monogamy is an effective way to control it.’ [[Jenkins, ‘How a Hackneyed Romantic Ideal is Used to Stigmatise Polyamory’, 2017|(Jenkins 2017)]] ^b5af72 ‘Women who enter voluntarily into non-monogamous relationships are a direct challenge to the idea that women are “naturally” monogamous. They are socially penalised to maintain the status quo. A non-monogamous woman will be portrayed as debased and disgusting – a “slut”.’ [[Jenkins, ‘How a Hackneyed Romantic Ideal is Used to Stigmatise Polyamory’, 2017|(Jenkins 2017)]] ^bf78cc ‘According to the stereotypes, single women are desperate to “lock down” a man, while men are desperate to avoid commitment. There’s nothing new here: monogamy has historically been gendered.’ [[Jenkins, ‘How a Hackneyed Romantic Ideal is Used to Stigmatise Polyamory’, 2017|(Jenkins 2017)]] ^f04985 ‘Our language undermines gender-related optimism about monogamous romantic ideals: there is no word for a male ‘mistress’; romantic comedies are ‘chick flicks’. ‘Romance’ novels are marketed to and consumed by women. Brides are ‘given away’ by men to other men. We never hear about ‘crazy old cat gentlemen’. And how many married men do you know who’ve taken their wife’s surname? These attitudes persist not just in word but in deed: wives in hetero marriages still do more housework than their husbands, even if they earn more (which they rarely do).’ [[Jenkins, ‘How a Hackneyed Romantic Ideal is Used to Stigmatise Polyamory’, 2017|(Jenkins 2017)]] ^257f97